Full Circle.  Here we are, friends. Jackson has officially lived for 41 weeks and 4 days outside of the womb….consequently the same exact amount of time that he lived in the womb. My womb. It is amazing just how long my pregnancy seemed to last. At the same time, it passed in the blink of an eye. Every little movement that boy made inside of me, as if to say ‘tap tap, i am coming. tap tap, i am yours,’ certainly didn’t make the waiting and excitement any easier. Not one bit.  Since he was born, time passes in the blink of an eye. I swear it was just yesterday that this tiny little being was placed on my chest, looking everything and nothing like i expected him to. At the same time, it feels as if I have never lived without him.

Lately, I have been thinking about that moment. The life-changing-rock-you-to-the-core moment when your first-born is placed on your chest after all of the work. The work I did in birthing him, growing him, and preparing for him. That single, life-changing moment is so…short.  Don’t get me wrong, it certainly is not anti-climactic, just fleeting.  I feel like I am struggling so much to just hold on to that moment, as if it is getting fuzzier as the days go by, destined to be just a distant memory, or even forgotten.  I know I will never forget having my child, but I fear that I will forget the intricate details of that moment. How I exclaimed ‘oh my god!’ and how I told my boy happy birthday, or his silent soul-staring gaze – directly into my eyes. He was so alert and aware, speaking to me the entire time. Now, 41 weeks and 4 days later, he stands, crawls, babbles, says daddy (dahhhh-deeeeeeee), and continues to gain independence and bring the biggest joy to my life. It’s a good day, today.

Here’s to the next 41 weeks and 4 days, and each one thereafter.

I was sitting on the couch tonight flipping through some photos I took with my new camera (shout out to the hubs!). Mostly I was just wondering why I have such intense writers block these days, marveling that my little boy has self-soothed two nights in a row, planning my busy, crazy day tomorrow that will begin around 6 and won’t end until 10 or later, and watching Bones re-runs. I kept flipping back to this picture of my nephew Carson.  He has been on my mind a lot these days-probably because he began kindergarten a few weeks ago, and I have been spending a great deal of time with his little sisters. Whatever the reason, I felt compelled to write about him tonight.

Kindergarten. I still remember when Ang told me she was having a baby. I was shell-shocked, but ohhhhh so excited. I have loved babies since forever. Angie and I used to fight over who would get to hold whatever new baby was in our family. I was stoked because I would get to hold him whenever I wanted. Surely, she would be exhausted with a new baby! Carson Alan is the first grandchild to my parents. My dad was proud that she was having a boy (he has three girls, so it was about time for some testosterone). I remember the night he was born. It was a Tuesday. The 29th of November. I had just returned to school from Thanksgiving Break on the previous Sunday. I told her I wanted to kick her for going into labor two days after I left home, really I was giddy with excitement.  After school & work that Friday I high-tailed it home to meet the yummy baby:

I remember everything about this visit. I walked in the house and ran to the bassinet…no baby. I ran to his room and peeked in the crib…no baby. I came back to the living room and said ‘where IS he!!?!’ Jason said “I’m holding him!” He was a little shrimp stick. He weighed 6 lbs 10 oz. (nothing compared to my Jackson, who weighed 9 lbs even!) He was possibly the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes on. He’s had me wrapped ever since. Best buds here.

At this age ^ he reminds me of Jax.  Only Carson was 8-9 months old in these, HA! I couldn’t believe it when he turned one. Now he is about to turn six. I took this picture on his first birthday:

I have really enjoyed spending time with him lately. I got to pick him up from school one day! It was so surreal, sitting in the cafeteria, waiting for the kids who were getting picked up to be dismissed. I was sitting there with Jackson, and when they dismissed them I stood up to try and find him. He looked so small, nervously walking into the cafeteria in his new black and yellow sneakers; he was chewing on his thumb nail like he does when he is shy, his backpack as big as he is. After what seemed like an eternity, I caught his eye, and he ran over and excitedly started telling me about his day. He talked my ear off the whole way home, while eating what was left of his lunch. This week I walked with my sister to get him off the bus twice.  He looked even smaller, if that is even possible.  When the bus pulled up I saw his big little head immediately. He happily jumped off and started telling us all about his day on the walk home. He much prefers riding the bus. When he was about 18 months old, he had these sticker books. He would thumb through the pages and point out different things “bulldozer” “combine harvester (yes, really. I called it a plow, and he corrected me)” but his favorite, by far was the “coobus…dadie’s coobus!!!” (dadie=Katie, my younger sister). I think it is really amazing to watch him grow into the sweetest big brother.  Just yesterday, I was in the car with Bailey & Abby, and sweet Abigail saw a school bus. She pointed and said ‘bubbie’s coobus!!!’ and I smiled, thinking about how things had come full circle in these short years. The once tiny baby I marveled at endlessly is now a real big-boy. He is brave and timid all at once, funny, kind-hearted and sweeter than you can even imagine, and he is the best big brother and cousin for all the littler ones to look up to.

I still swoon when I see him.